I write because I need to.
There are things I need to get off my chest that are easier to tell a blank page than they are to say to a real person. Crazy, huh? There are things that I can’t say to anyone I know. They don’t understand me. It’s nice to talk to a blank page because it doesn’t judge. I can erase what I type, or what I write down. But once you’ve said something to someone, you can’t take it back and they won’t forget it. Especially if it’s important. When I’m writing on here, I can say what I really feel, what I’m really thinking unlike speaking to someone you know, where you may have to conceal the truth or withhold information. If I didn’t write I’d prbably go insane. I can’t keep things bottled up anymore. I can express myself with written word a whole lot better than I can say the same words. My family have read a few of my blog psts, or I’ve read posts out to them, and they said I write better than I speak, which makes sense. I don’ really talk to my family about personal things, however weird that sounds. It’s just not like us. And I don’t mind it much but I wish we were a little closer so I could talk about thse things with them. But I can’t so I write them down.
Some words are better said in silence.
There are things I need to write about which can never be said aloud especially to all the relevant people. I’m not very good at expressing or explaining my feelings but somehow I can write all about it. And I could write about them forever. My thoughts never come out clearly when I try to speak. It’s a tragedy in some cases but I guess, a miracle in others. I cannot tell people my feelings for fear of them rejecting me, hurting me, or humiliating me. If I told people how I really felt, I think I’d feel overwhelmingly vulnerable and out of place. I don’t like feleing vulnerable which is why, I think, I write my feelings down. I couldn’t stand it if people looked at me any differently. I like to keep their idea of me in check, and so I keep to myself, and bottle my thoughts up. I’ve never shared anything I’ve written with people I know, not the ones in which I pour my heart out anyway. Writing takes that possibility of being vulnerable away which is a good thing, for me because otherwise I would probably have a break down.
I write in an attempt to make sense of the world.
I’m figuring it all out on my own when mere thoughts in my head will not suffice. Thoughts are complicated and confusing. I’m scared of not writing and what it would do to me if I didn’t write. I can finally admit who I am whilst I’m writing, there are no pretences, no fake performances. I get to explore myself and what makes me, me. Everything is true and everything is raw. I started writing because it felt right. I wasn’t happy with life before writing; I had so many things that needed to be resolved and writing just puts everything in perspective, even if the words do come from my own head. When I write, I get to see the person I was and the person I’m becoming, and sometimes, the difference is remarkable. I’ve learned things over the years, things you can’t learn in school or from your parents and I put this knowledge into my writing in order to share it with everyone else.
I am tired of the world.
I write beause I am tired of the world and how it treats its people. I’m tired of how people treat people, and writing, well, it helps me create a world in which I can live, in which everything is right when everything else seems impossibly wrong. My version of the world is of course, different to everyone else’s but the great thing about writing is that you can control your version. You can control how you perceive the world and how you think about the world. Writing helps me deal with the world and everything around me, things that are difficult and things that I don’t understand yet. I shouldn’t be tired of the world because I am still so young, but I am. I love writing. And that’s why I write. Because I want to. When I write, there’s no one putting thoughts into my head, it’s just me. It’s purely me, and that’s what I love about it. My thoughts cannot be tainted by anyone else, they can’t be dismissed and they can’t be judged by anyone. Real people don’t have the ability to be neutral about what you tell them. They always have their opinions and they will always want to share them. And I don’t want that to happen.
I don’t know what I’m thinking until I see what I’ve written.
I think that this is the purest thing about writing. You can write and write and not know what you are writing until you read it back to yourself. There must be a stage that is bypassed from my brain through to my hands, because the words just come flowing through my fingers and onto the screen. And I have no idea how it happens. Sometimes I type really fast because I want to get them down and out of my head, and of course I make typing errors, but the thoughts are still there, coherent as ever. I write with such a passion that I could never express to anyone else through speech. No one can explain what you are thinking better than you can yourself, but its like the path from my brain to my mouth is completely different to the path from my brain to my hands. I mean, anatomically, that’s obvious. But you know what I’m trying to say. It’s funny, when someone is passionate about what they are talking about out loud, they use their hands, gestures, to emphasise what they are saying. I think it’s the same with writing. Your hands just know what you are thinking. And so when I write, my thoughts come out clearer than day.