There are a few things you need to know about me, and you may not like what I’m about to say but you just have to understand and be patient with me occasionally. I should say sorry to you before you read this, so, I’m sorry.
I like to be alone. If I spend a lot of time alone, it’s not that I don’t want to spend time with you, I really do, I just have a lot of thinking to do on my own. I’ve been on my own for a long time and I’m kind of used to it now. I like my alone time a lot more than other people. I don’t really know why I just do. And spending time on my own is what I do best. I’m not a very sociable person and you’ll get to learn that. Too much time with a lot of people is kind of exhausting. I will spend time with a group of people occasionally but I can’t do it all the time. I wouldn’t feel like myself. I have to put on a show around people. I’m only myself when I’m alone at home.
I like doing things on my own, and it’s not me being antisocial. I’m quite extroverted actually, and I do actually like people even though it may seem like I don’t sometimes. I like being independent, and I may push you away if you make me do things with other people. The only time I ever come out of my shell is when I’m dancing. But if you ask me to do things with you and go outside for once, I will… if you ask nicely. I like alone time probably more than you would like. But that’s just me. Being on my own is like recharging because people take the energy out of me. And yeah, sometimes alone time can be boring, but it calms me. It’s comforting being alone. And I don’t doubt that you could comfort me from the ‘outside’ world just as well. Life is just crazy, and it helps to reflect and think things through when I’m on my own. I have a lot of thoughts.
Sometimes I will be sad for no reason. You know when you have those off days occasionally? It will be like that. I’ll get annoyed at the smallest things and I won’t want to talk to you. Just please sit with me and we can be together in silence. My sadness probably won’t be caused by anything, in particular, it just happens sometimes. It’s probably all my thoughts crammed into one. I bottle things up and sometimes they just explode and they come out as tears. I overthink a lot, I know, and I really shouldn’t. I should tell you what’s going on just to get it off my chest but sometimes I won’t want to. And you might be upset that I won’t tell you, but please don’t get angry with me. You never know, it could be because I didn’t sleep well the night before and I’m tired. It could be any reason at all, one that I can’t pin down. I will let you into my world as best as I can, but I’ve been broken before, and it’s hard for me to explain what I’m feeling. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy most of the time. But I have days when I just don’t feel like talking to anyone and I want to stay under the bed covers for the entire day. I want to understand it myself, but I can’t possibly tell you what’s wrong if I don’t know myself. But I will try my best. With me, patience is a necessity.
“Sometimes we get sad about things and we don’t like to tell other people that we are sad about them. We like to keep it a secret. Or sometimes, we are sad but we really don’t know why we are sad, so we say we aren’t sad but we really are.” – Mark Haddon, The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time
I don’t touch people. I’m not in any way nervous around people, I get along with everyone just fine. But I just don’t touch them. I’m not that affectionate in all seriousness. I don’t know how to be. I’ve learned from a young age not to touch people without their permission because it’s wrong. So I don’t. Ever. I don’t know when or how to touch people. But I want to touch and I want to be affectionate. I want to feel connected to you, but at first, it will be kind of awkward so bare with me, ok? I want to touch and be touched but I always keep my hands to myself. Even the most platonic touch like my hand on someone’s forearm, I won’t do it, unless I’m really comfortable with you, or anyone else for that matter. If I don’t know you then I won’t. I like people respecting my space, and I respect everyone else’s space too. I like being close to people but I won’t initiate touch, even a hug or a handshake when I first meet someone. I will hug my friends only if they want to. But new people? Forget it. But just because I don’t touch people doesn’t mean I appreciate them or like them. And I hope I don’t seem closed-off and mean. It just depends on the person I guess.
It will take time before I trust you fully. I’ve had people in the past make promises they haven’t kept and I’ve had people let me down. And I don’t want that to happen again. I’m always the one who cares more and it’s really hard. I’ve loved people who love me back so chances are I may not believe you if you tell me you like me, at first. Because words are empty. You’ll have to prove it because I have my guard up and it’s high as hell. And if you want to break it down, you’ll have to work hard for it. I am done falling for people who take me for granted. I swear I will follow my head this time around because my heart always leads me astray. I’ve worn my heart on my sleeve too many times, and it has broken me. I trust too easily, I’m a trusting person what can I say? But that hasn’t worked so well for me. Some people have broken that trust, so this time, it won’t be so easy for you. I wish I could be more trusting but I can’t and I’m sorry it has to be you, the next man who tries to love me. I hate hurting because of a broken heart so I’m not going to let it happen again. I’ve had enough of feeling like I am not worthy, or not enough.
I don’t expect you to understand all of this at first. But if you stick with me I will love you like you haven’t been loved before. Wait it out please, it will be worth it. I’m not giving up on us if you don’t.