I’m not sure who I am deep down. I have lots of things I want to do, but when it comes to doing them, I don’t – I freak out, maybe I’m too ambitious, but I want to live a life I’m proud of right? So that involves doing lots of impressive things… right? I dream big, because I want to be one of those cool grandparents that travelled all over the world and made a whole novel’s worth of memories, and more, and is able to tell their grandkids the most amazing stories which sound so unrealistic and made up but are in fact true.
I’m so young and have my whole life ahead of me, but after university, I have nothing planned. I’m lost. I had planned a couple of years after uni but then those plans fell flat. I had to leave Madrid. I couldn’t stay because it just wasn’t for me. And now my plans for travel after uni have gone down the drain – if I couldn’t stay in Spain for 3 months, then how am I supposed to be able to travel all over the world. But then I thought to myself that maybe it was the Au Pair side of things that wasn’t working out – I wasn’t enjoying it, I was always looking forward to the weekend. But I had to leave after a week, and my parents were a bit disappointed, although they were happy with whatever decision I made. Maybe the best thing for me would be to leave travel alone for a while, at least until after I finish university. And then travel with a group of friends – it would be fun, and I’d have that support network with me. To be completely honest, I felt lonely in Madrid – it felt like I would miss out on so many things like I did last summer. Like my brother’s 16th birthday, and family holidays. It would be unfair for them and me.
When you apply for jobs they always ask you that specific question which I loathe – “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Can you imagine my face when I’m asked that question? Exactly. Because I can’t answer it, because I DON’T KNOW. As a student looking for a job, it’s a nightmare these days. For example, I was applying online for a bartender position and a restaurant and one of the questions was “What makes you smile?” and also, this is probably the most unusual question “When was the last time you made a memory for someone else?”, and apart from the obvious, it’s a strange question because everyone experiences things differently. If a friend and I hiked Ben Nevis, it is guaranteed that they would form the experience differently in their mind. And I understand their reasoning behind the question because you have to make every customer in the restaurant feel special when they are served, but seriously?
Another tricky situation is when distant relatives ask you “So what do you want to do after university?”. I know it’s small talk and everything, and people are a little bit nosy, but it’s a question I can’t answer. Not that I don’t want to answer it, it’s because I can’t. All my life, I’ve been in education – preschool, primary school, secondary school, college, university. After university, you are thrown into the deep end of “the real world”. Where do I go? Oh yeah, I have to find a job. Everyone, especially after they graduate from university is stuck in the vicious circle of ‘to get a job you need experience, but to gain experience you need a job’. Brilliant. Unless you have specific “transferable skills” like communication skills, problem-solving skills, and the ever so important skill: teamwork. It’s horrendous.
I would like to be a person with hundreds of skills and hundreds of achievements in my life. But I have to experience more of life first. I have to meet new people and develop new skills for my CV. I like doing lots of things, like photography, drawing, blogging, travel and trampolining. But I wouldn’t say I’m highly skilled in any of them. And these hobbies are things I enjoy, but they don’t define me. I became a travel blogger because I was going to be living in Madrid for 3 months. But now I’m back in England, this blog probably won’t be about travel until I decide to travel again or go on holiday. And that’s fine because things don’t always work out. I feel disappointed in myself that I couldn’t stay over there – it just proved to my parents that I’m not a self-reliant, independent strong woman, and yeah it’s getting me down a little. But I can pick myself up, I still have so much to offer.
I can’t answer the interview question “What is your biggest achievement?” because I don’t know how. I have lots of small achievements of equal size, yeah, but it’s not like I’ve climbed Mount Everest. Some people have, and survived, and I applaud them. And some people have achieved something that SEEMS like they climbed Mount Everest because they have worked so hard to get there, and I applaud those people for that too. But, me? I guess I still have to figure it out. I will continue to dream big, and pursue my hobbies. I’m still figuring out my future. I know who I am but it’s so hard to explain.
So if you read my blog and feel like I talked about things which resonate with you, feel free to comment. I’m sorry it was such a long blog post, I have a lot of thoughts! What makes you, you? Can you answer the question “Who am I?”